Being the night owl that I am, I’m left with a lot of alone time, and I always try to put it to good use. Luckily, doing the type of work that I do, I can spend a lot of this time working… However I also really enjoy deep thinking. Sometimes thinking too much can be a bad thing, but I try to keep it positive.
So here’s what’s on my mind tonight… I know it sounds negative at first, but if you read the whole thing it’ll make sense. :)
People always ask me why I don’t smoke weed and never have, well the answer is simple. I don’t want to. Obviously there are some reasons behind that reason… First, and foremost, I just haven’t ever had the desire to do it. I’ve also seen a lot of people get caught up in the drug world and I would never want that to happen to me. My sister has told me stories about how caught up in drugs she used to be. Ho it basically took over her life for a while and made her do stupid things.
It’s basically the same with drinking… Yes, I have a few margaritas once in a while… a glass of wine with dinner… a few drinks at the bar, but I’ve never been a big drinker. My cousin is one of the biggest alcoholics I’ve ever met. He’s been so close to dying a few times and that scares me. I love my cousin so much and I would be devastated if something like that happened to him. I would never be able to cause my family pain like he has. I see how much it hurts everyone, including myself, and that makes me never want to fall into that. Plus, I really have only been drunk maybe 2 times and I absolutely hated the feeling.
Last year I was with a guy that I thought I was in love with. At first he was very sweet and said all the right things, but things slowly started to fall apart. After just a few weeks of dating I found text messages from a 16 year old girl with nude pictures of herself in his phone. I was so upset and almost broke up with him right then, but I ignored that sign and stayed with him. After ignoring that sign, you’d think I would’ve realized that he wasn’t such a good guy due to the fact that every week I had to give him rides to see his probation officer… Things gradually got worse between us and we fought verbally almost every day. He called me names and said horrible things to me… things that you would never say to someone you love, yet again I let that sign slip by unnoticed because I “loved” him. Eventually it came down to him becoming physically abusive. At first it wasn’t to bad he would shove me and things like that, but one night he crossed the line… We had an argument one night about him calling his ex and saying some things to her that shouldn’t have been said. I confronted him and he became furious. He threw me up against a cement wall as hard as he could. Then he grabbed me by the arm so hard that it almost immediately began bruising. After that he pushed me into the well room in my basement and locked the door from the outside. By this point I was crying and banging on the door so hard that it woke up my dad. He was FURIOUS. I’m not quite sure exactly what was said between the two of them, but it ended up in him not being allowed in our house ever again and me breaking up with him. Basically what I’ve taken from that experience is that just because someone says they love you doesn’t mean they really do. Actions do speak louder than words. I know that I did nothing to deserve the treatment I was given by him and I will never allow things to go that far with anyone ever again.
I’ve had plenty of bad experiences in my life, but I’ve come to realize that I’m very content with who I am. All of my past experiences, good & bad, have shaped me into the person I am. I’ve tried to learn from my mistakes and find the good in them. For the most part I’ve been able to do so. I’ve also been able to watch the people around me and learn from their mistakes as well. Needless to say, I want to continue to grow as a person. Rather than being negative and letting things bring me down I take something from them. I know that God would never throw something at me that I can’t handle. I’ve toughened up. Everything I’ve gone through has also made me think about the way I treat others… I would never want to do to someone the bad things that have been done to me. Instead I want to spread love and happiness.
I feel like half of what I’ve said is probably very confusing, but oh well. It’s just some thoughts I’ve been having so I figured I’d write it all out.
“Storms make trees take deeper roots.”
